Head above Water

Grief is a funny thing. It comes in crests and troughs, it washes over you in waves, sometimes when you least expect it. Like a strong current it can knock your feet out from under you. It can pull you under with the tide. It can disorient you in the undertow. After awhile you get to better understand the ocean called loss—you know its high tides and low. You can judge how rough the waters will be by the season and the weather. You’re able to stand up and keep your balance better.

Just when you think you’ve charted this terrain what seems to be a small wave on the horizon turns grows to a tidal wave of longing. It crashes down around you and sucks you under so hard and turns you so that down feels like up and up feels like down and it seems you’ll never breathe again. But then you break the surface, plant your feet on the ground, and suck in sweet lungfuls of oxygen and realize, it’s all gonna be ok.

© Michelle Scott 2005

A Work in Progress

Good Enough

O God I am so tired of not being good enough.

Not smart enough, skinny enough, rich enough, patient enough

Not spiritual enough.

O Lord, it’s so hard to be so close, yet so far from the goal.
to not make the grade, to miss the mark
be the last one picked for the team

But that’s where your spirit comes in
And fills the space between

not enough
and
more than enough

Because I am not good enough
not enough for your love
for your perfect, eternal embrace
Yet, you hold me anyway.
With a love that cannot be erased
by my shortcomings, my falls,
the clumsy way I get around this life
You weep when I weep, rejoice when I rejoice
Calling me daughter
Naming me friend
Claiming me as your own.

For in my weakness you are strong.

And that turns, not enough
into abundance

In this cosmic equation
Your mathematics of grace
my shortcomings
my faults

Are the joints that make me move
Lubricated by the oil of your love
Held by the ligaments of grace
Powered by the fuel of your fire

You equip me to run this race.

© Michelle Scott 2005

Freedom!

I’ve had an unlimited metro card for about a month now. I had no idea how much of a difference this would make in my life. I go where I want to, when I want to. I don’t have to calculate how much I’ll spend on each trip. I make stops on my way home. I go see friends on a whim. Shop, explore. I love it!! So much so, I’ve been pondering getting rid of my car and joining ZipCar (www.zipcar.com) . However, I’ve put a moratorium on big decisions like this until 2006. Also, ZipCar does not have any cars located near me. Maybe when I move this spring . . . It would be nice to not to worry about my car anymore. No oil changes, no insurance, no fear of the timing belt breaking . . . I hate car care and I love my new metrocard.

© Michelle Scott 2005